Clean Jokes and Humor


Some little trinkets I've enjoyed, many from the awesome Mike's Funnies website and his Instagram account or facebook account.

Just helped my neighbor bury a rolled up carpet in the woods.
Her boyfriend would've done it, but he's out of town.

If you are being chased by a pack of taxidermists, don't play dead. Just saying.

Some people can't distinguish between etiology, entomology, and etymology. From somewhere inside me, it bugs me in ways I can't put into words.

Grammar walks into a bar...
A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
Helvetica and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."
Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
A synonym strolls into a tavern.
At the end of the day, a cliche walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?" Replied the customer sadly, "No, before she left my wife told me to water the geraniums."

I bought my Mom a fridge for Christmas. I can’t wait until she opens it and see her face light up.

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo accident. They put me in the ICU.

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!

Einstein finally finished his theory of relativity. It’s about time.

What do Santa's elves listen to while they work? Wrap music.

Where do bad rainbows go? Prism. It’s a light sentence.

Daughter: “Dad why are you staring at the orange juice bottle?” Dad: “It says concentrate.”

Did you hear that the inventor of autocorrect died? May he rust in place.

Tequila may not fix your life. But it’s worth a shot.

My doctor told me I'm going deaf. The news was hard for me to hear.

Tip: Save business cards of people you don't like. If you ever hit a parked car accidentally, just write, "Sorry" on the back and leave it on the windshield.

A mirror factory is opening in my town. I could see myself working there.

Back in his day, the ladies considered Samuel Morse to be a dashing young man.

My Visa declined at the sweater store, so the cashier had to ask for my cardigan.

I have a "Dry Clean Only" sweater that is about to learn some harsh truths about living with me.

Taking my dog named 'shark' to the beach yesterday was probably not the best idea.

When I look at chocolate, I hear two voices in my head. The first one says, "You need to eat the chocolate.” The second one says, "You heard. Eat the chocolate."

Wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Husband: Can we change the subject?
Wife: Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar. I'm dismayed.

What did one snowman say to another? "You smell carrots?".

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.

Tequila makes everything better ... except tomorrow.

Why is peter pan always flying? He neverlands.
(I like this joke because it never grows old).

When a kid says "Daddy, I want mommy", it's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor".

Just sold my homing pigeon on Ebay for the 15th time.

The cable repairman was on my street and asked me what time it was. I told him it was between 1:00 pm and 5:00 pm.

I heard the company making yardsticks aren't going to make them any longer.

My wife was shocked when she found out I wasn't a good electrician.

"Do Not Touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille."

"I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of her lipstick. She still isn't talking to me."

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight. There would be mass confusion.

What do you call a reluctant potato? A hesitater.

Answer truthfully (yes or no) to the following question: Will the next word you say be "no"?

When you're dead, you don't know you're dead. The pain is felt by others. The same thing happens when you're stupid.

Programmers credo: We do these things not because they are easy, but because we thought they would be easy.

If I had to describe myself using one word it would be: doesn't follow directions.

One windmill asks the other, " What kind of music do you like?"
The other windmill replies, "Me? I'm a metal fan."

I have a phobia of German sausage. Yes, I fear the wurst.

I came home to tell my girlfriend I started taking my schizophrenia medication, but no one was there.

A snail's shell was ripped off in a tragic accident. His friend rushed over to him and asked, "How are you feeling?", to which he replied,"Sluggish".

Doctors got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person's walk, and the results were staggering.

I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was a communist. I should have known, there were red flags everywhere.

What is the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a well dressed man on a unicycle?

I'm just sayin' everyone that confuses correlation with causation eventually ends up dead.

A woman sent in a long obituary for her husband. The newspaper called and told her the cost per word.
"Oh, my" she said, "Just change that to 'George died.'"
The paper then told her that there was a five word minimum.
"Well," she said, "make that 'George died, Buick for sale.'"

"If you have to wear both a mask and glasses, you may be entitled to condensation."

"The girl in the middle of the tennis court is Annette."

"My child wants to study burrowing rodents, I told him to gopher it."

"Nothing tops a plain pizza!"

"Lego store re-opens after lockdown. Folks lined up for blocks!"

"I pulled a muscle digging for gold. Not serious - just a miner injury."

"Ghosts like to ride in elevators. It lifts their spirits."

"I'm going to start collecting highlighters - mark my words!"

Dave lost his wife's audiobook, and now he'll never hear the end of it.

The world's longest drum solo was 10 hours and 26 minutes performed on my flight from LA to Tokyo by the little boy sitting behind me.

No matter how hard you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep a lot. Wake up beautiful.

Doctor: How's that kid who swallowed a bunch of coins?

Nurse: No change yet.

If you notice cows sleeping in a field, is it pasture bedtime?

Wife: Do I look fat?
Husband: Do I look stupid?

A lonely frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

Orion's Belt is a big waist of space.
Terrible joke - only three stars.

You can distinguish between an alligator and a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or after a while.

A book fell on my head, but I can only blame my shelf.

This Fibonacci joke is as bad as the last two you heard combined.

A man tried to sell me a coffin today - I told him that's the last thing I need.

As her grandma frantically waved away a pesky fly with a white dishtowel, the granddaughter observed, "Maybe he thinks you're surrendering."

While shampooing her son, 4, the mom noted his hair was growing so fast he'd soon need it cut. He replied, "Maybe we shouldn't water it so much."

His mom informed Brian that she was going outside to get a little sun. "But Mommy," he gulped, "You already have a little son -- me!"

Dormitory = Dirty Room
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

What do you say to comfort a grammar Nazi? There, their, they're...

The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

You can't please everyone, you are not pizza.

I hate Russian dolls, they are so full of themselves.

The first time I got my hands on a universal remote, I thought, "This changes everything!".

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner - all it was doing was gathering dust.

People say I'm condescending - that means I talk down to people.

You can never lose a homing pigeon - if it doesn't fly back, all you have lost is a pigeon.

I did not believe that my road worker son was stealing from the company, but when I got home all the signs were there.

I don't find Civil War jokes General Lee funny.

I used to be in a band called "Missing Cat". Maybe you saw our posters?

Say what you want about deaf people...

Whiteboards are remarkable.

"I give all my dead batteries away - free of charge."

"I hate elevators, so I take steps to avoid them."

"When will all the rhetorical questions end?"

"Okay, so I danced like no one was watching. My court date is pending."

"The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today....Pretty sure she's going to get me something."

"When I'm around my Spanish speaking friends, I always use the word "mucho" - it means a lot to them."

Two antennae met on a roof, fell in love and got married. Their wedding ceremony wasn't fancy. The reception, however, was excellent.

"You can learn a lot about a person if you just take the time to inject them with sodium pentathol."

Pavlov is sitting in a diner when all of the sudden the phone rings. Pavlov gasps, "Oh no, I forgot to feed the dogs."

Cleaning house with kids around is like brushing your teeth with Oreos.

The road to success is lined with many tempting parking spaces.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. But he says he can stop any time.

Women should not have children after 35. Really...35 children are enough.

i before e ... except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbor.


What did the Buddha say to the hotdog vendor? "Make me one with everything." After taking his money and giving Buddha his hot dog, the Buddha asks
"What about my change?"
"Change comes from within"

We occasionally stumble over the truth but most of us pick ourselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.

"It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally."

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate.

I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning placing my order at the microphone and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn, because I was taking too long to tell them my order.

"Take the high road," I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window, I paid for her order along with my own, and then moved up to the second window to pick up the food.

I looked in my review mirror and the cashier must have told her what I'd done, because she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you," obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with a kindness.

When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food, too.

Lesson: Don't honk your horn at old people.

Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.

I figured out why they call our language the "Mother Tongue." Fathers never get a chance to use much of it.

By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?" Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

Favorite My Life Is Average Quotes

Today, I realized that math problems are the only place where someone can buy 60 watermelons and no one wonders why. MLIA. #2840417 
Today, I realized Nazi Germany surrendered to the united states on may 7th, 1945. Chuck Norris was born on may 6th, 1945. Coincidence? I think not. MLIA. #2840460

C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. ~George Carlin

Time is a great healer, but a lousy beautician.

If reality wants to get in touch, it knows where I am.

Rene' Descartes walks into a bar and orders a drink. When he finishes the glass the bartender asks him if he'd like another. Descartes says, "I think not," and then vanishes.

A boy and a man sit on a couch together. The boy says to the man, "Yeah, well, I didn't believe in reincarnation when I was your age either." - Akshat Anand

My mouth has a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. -- Miss Manners

"The difficult thing with quotes on the internet is verifying them." - Abraham Lincoln

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and telling me, "You're next." They stopped when I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Why is it called "after dark" when it's really after light?

"For the man who has everything... Penicillin." -- F. Borquin

The secret to success is sincerity and once you learn to fake it, you've got it made.

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

Things you would never hear a Southerner say

Duct tape won't fix that.
We don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
You can't feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pick-up - it's not safe.
Wrasslin's fake.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
We're vegetarians.
Do you think my hair is too big?
I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
Who's Richard Petty?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Deer heads detract from the decor.
Spitting is such a nasty habit.
Trim the fat off that steak.
The tires on that truck are too big.
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
Elvis who?


A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
In democracy it's your vote that counts.  In feudalism it's your count that votes.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
What's the definition of a will?  (It's a dead giveaway).
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Dijon vu: The same mustard as before.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Geek TShirts

Roses are #ff0000
  Violets are #0000ff
All my base
  are belong to you

chown -R us ./base

> SELECT * FROM users WHERE clue > >
0 rows returned

My other computer is your windows box.

vi vi vi -- Editor of the Beast

Adulting is a soup and I am a fork.


 Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
 Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!
 Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
 Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
 I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
 Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

Cat Theorem

Theorem: a cat has nine tails. Proof: No cat has eight tails. A cat with one tail has more tails than no cat. Therefore, a cat has nine tails.

Why English Spelling is sew Hard

~ We must polish the Polish furniture.

~ He could lead if he would get the lead out.

~ The farm was used to produce produce.

~ The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

~ The soldier decided to desert in the desert.

~ This was a good time to present the present.

~ A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

~ When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

~ I did not object to the object.

~ The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

~ The bandage was wound around the wound.

~ There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

~ They were too close to the door to close it.

~ The buck does funny things when the does are present.

~ They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.

~ To help with planting,  the farmer taught his sow to sow.

~ The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

~ After a number of injections my jaw got number.

~ Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear.

~ I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

~ How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Haiku Computer Errors

Yesterday it worked. 
Today it is not working. 
Windows is like that. 

Your file was so big. 
It might be very useful. 
But now it is gone. 

Program aborting: 
Close all that you have worked on. 
You ask far too much. 

Windows NT crashed. 
I am the Blue Screen of Death. 
No one hears your screams. 

Stay the patient course. 
Of little worth is your ire. 
The network is down. 

Three things are certain: 
Death, taxes and lost data. 
Guess which has occurred. 

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped. 

Computer Humor

from T h e T a o O f P r o g r a m m i n g section 4.3.

A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his novices,
"The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant," 
said the master.

"Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.

"It is," came the reply.

"Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.

"It is even in a video game," said the master.

"And is the Tao in Windows for a personal computer?"

The master coughed and shifted his position slightly.  "The lesson is
over for today," he said. 

Small Jokes

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.

A SQL query goes into a bar, approaches two tables and says, "Can I join you?"

"To understand what is recursion you must first understand recursion"

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath.
This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)...A super-calloused 
fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.



Much to our dismay, it has recently come to our attention that many of
our employees have been turning in timesheets specifying an unusually
large amount of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). Within
the Accounting Department, unproductive time isn't a problem. However,
what is a problem is not knowing exactly what you are doing during
this unproductive time. Based on our observations of employee
activities, our department has constructed a charge sheet detailing a
tentative extended job code list. The list below will enable a more
accurate description of employee activities and unproductive
events. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us
know about any difficulties you may encounter. As always, we're only
here to help.

Thank you.
The Management

Attached: Extended Job Code List
Code Explanation
---- -----------
5316 Meeting
5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5319 Waiting for Break
5320 Waiting for Lunch
5321 Waiting for End of Day
5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not 
5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend 
5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in 
5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Less than Intelligent
5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
5481 Buying Snack
5482 Eating Snack
5500 Filling Out Timesheet
5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries
5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
5504 Sleeping
5510 Feeling Bored
5600 Complaining About Lousy Job
5601 Complaining About Low Pay
5602 Complaining About Long Hours
5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)
5604 Complaining About Boss
5605 Complaining About Personal Problems 
5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
5701 Not Actually Present At Job
5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu
6102 Ordering Out
6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
6206 Gossip
6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g., vacation, wedding, etc.) 
6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
6223 Pretending You Like Coworker
6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are 
6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Gal
6601 Running your own Side Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)
6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
6611 Staring Into Space
6612 Staring At Computer Screen
6615 Meditation
7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone
7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone
7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone
7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone
7406 Talking With Psychiatrist on Phone
7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone 
8000 Watching Stock Market on CNN
8001 Watching Latest Washington Political Crisis on CNN


There are only 10 types of people in the world - those who understand binary and those who don't.

Gravity never sleeps.

Sleep is a totally inadequate substitute for caffeine.

I got a paper cut while opening a BandAid box.

Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage. -Ambrose Bierce, author and editor (1842-1914)

Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."

I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code

Use The Best...
Linux for Servers
Mac for Graphics
Android for Mobility
Windows for Solitaire

How do I set a laser printer to stun?


I don't recall ever having expressed an interest in kayaking. Any activity that requires the participants to wear a helmet and a life jacket is plainly something in which I should not be involved. In fact, I pretty much avoid all sports which cannot be played while holding a hot dog.
W. Bruce Cameron

Math Humor

"Why do mathematicians think Halloween and Christmas are the same?
Because 31 Oct = 25 Dec."

Moving On

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved
because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able
to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be
able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but you can't take 
your wealth with you."

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the 

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel 
reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take 
one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase 
and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to 
greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring 
that in here!"

But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to
verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough,. Peter checks and comes
back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm
supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man
found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought

RedNeck Haiku

Jake learns on first try
not to use dynamite when
he goes ice fishing

from Redneck Haiku 2006 Calendar, December 13


These are actual excuse notes from parents excusing their children from 
missing school (includes original spelling): 

~ My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. 
Please execute him. 

~ Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. 

~ Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 
32, and also 33. 

~ Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out 
of a tree and misplaced his hip. 

~ John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. 

~ Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was 
hurt in the growing part. 

~ Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by 
very close veins. 

~ Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. 

~ Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and 
his boots leak. 

~ I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I 
don't know what size she wear. 

~ Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get 
the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought 
it was Sunday. 

~ Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her 


PUNS 'R' US, part 2 from Mikey's Funnies:

~ Without geometry, life is pointless. 
~ Sea captains don't like crew cuts. 
~ Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? 
~ A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
~ In democracy it's your vote that counts.  
    In feudalism it's your count that votes.
~ A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
~ Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
~ When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
~ The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
~ A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
~ A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
~ The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
~ When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
~ Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.


Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch stduy at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Sunday School

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.

She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."


~ If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull
the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the
stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

~ A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great'
landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

~ Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about
might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable
sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in

~ There are three simple rules for making a smooth
landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

~ You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of
experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you
empty the bag of luck.

~ Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience
usually comes from bad judgment.

~ Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

~ The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you,
the runway behind you and a tenth of a second ago.

(I received this in my email box):

New virus to be aware of

From: [email protected]
Subject: New virus to be aware of
Date: Tue, 27 Jun 2000 17:03:43 -0400

Aggie Virus

This virus works on the honor system.

Please delete all the files on your hard disk, then forward this
message to everyone you know.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Owed to the Spelling Checker

I have a spelling checker
It came with my Pee Sea
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.

Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it's weigh
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule
The checker pour o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Be fore a veiling checkers
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if were lacks or have a laps,
We wood be maid to wine.

Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know faults with in my cite,
Of non eye am a wear.

Now spelling does knot phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped words fare as hear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud.
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft ware four pea seas.
And why I brake in two averse
By righting want too pleas.

Adam and Eve

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.  

"You're running around with other women," she charged.

"Don't be ridiculous," Adam responded. "You're the only
woman on earth."

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by
someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What are you doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs."


An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You 
don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. 
"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and 
cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, 
why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to 
make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."


~ Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
~ Always remember that you're unique, just like everyone else.
~ Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
~ Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
~ All generalizations are false.
~ Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.


The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, TX (poor
Things I've learned from my children (Honest and No Kidding):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot
house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball
hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already
too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying
glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a
11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still
can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials
show they do.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do
not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin has a 5 minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms
dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy and cats throw up twice their body
weight when dizzy.

Other thoughts:
Another three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the 
left was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." 
He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. I KNOW 
they're my feet." 


A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting 
away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them 
all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says you 
can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the 


A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named 
Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked 
back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

Jokes about german sausage are the wurst.

I wondered why the football was getting bigger - then it hit me.


I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.  I have decided I
would like to accept the responsibilities of a 6-year-old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four-star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.

I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a
hot summer's day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple - a time when all you
knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that
didn't bother you because you didn't know what you didn't know, and
you didn't care that you didn't know things.  All you cared about was
being happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that
should make you worried or upset.

I want to believe that the world is fair, that everyone is honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible.

I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the
little things again.

I want things to be simple.  I don't want my day to consist of
computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, worrying
about how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the
bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth,justice,
peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So, here's my checkbook, my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K
statements, oh, and my stock options for my 2 year award.  I am officially
resigning from adulthood and if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to
catch me first.

Microsoft Word Thesaurus

   "Next time you find yourself before your PC waiting for a Microsoft Word
   file to print, here's a neat little trick. Highlight some text, click the
   thesaurus tool, and see what you get. The results can be revealing, if
   not alarming....
   If you look up...                   Microsoft Word's thesaurus suggests...
   Larry Ellison                       larva
   Paul Allen                          paunch
   Scott McNealy                       scoundrel
   anticompetitive                     competitive
   Klein, Joel                         kleptomania
   Reno, Janet                         no
   DoJ                                 doldrums
   Andreessen, Marc                    android
   Buffett, Warren                     buffoon"
   Fun Office Activity: Harmless Thesaurus? Or Key to Bill Gates' Soul?,
   Fortune, 3 Aug 1998.

You Know You're a High-tech Worker If...

      You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different 
      Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
      Your resume is on a thumb drive in your pocket.
      Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um.
      You learn about your layoff on CNN.
      Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best 
      Your supervisor hasn't the ability to do your job assignment.
      You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
      Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the 
      Third World countries' annual budgets combined.
      Your home phone has none of the features you developed cuz you're 
      never there.
      It's dark when you drive to and from work.
      Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
      Communication is something your group is having problems with.
      You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
      Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
      Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
      Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
      You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh 
      wow, thanks!"
      All real work gets started after 5pm or on weekends.
      Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
      Plants in your cube are healthier than your plants at home.
      Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your 
      spare time," "when you're freed up," and "I have an opportunity for 
      10% of the people you work with - no one (boss included) knows what 
      they do.
      Vacation is something you rollover to next year or a check you get 
      every January.
      Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers"
      or "does something with telephones"
      Change is the norm.
      Nepotism is encouraged.
      You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
      You read this entire list and understood it.

Deep Young Thoughts

From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were asked to
imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I
don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes
on the last day of their life?
       --Age 15

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the
things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
       --Age 13

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday,
like they do for the queen's. Of course, then we would have a lot of
people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the
long weekends.
       --Age 8

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just
any old yokel vote.
	--Age 10

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then
the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what
happens to cheese when you leave it out.
	--Age 6

My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get
buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should
have told him the truth-that most of us go to hell and burn eternally-
but I didn't want to upset him.
       --Age 10

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again.  But he better
have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.
	--Age 5

I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just
a lawn mower.
	--Age 11

I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that
the wet paint is a big fresh water lake that is the only source of water
for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population
gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was
a big fire and everyone died.
	--Age 13

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog.
Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of
his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.
	--Age 14

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That
is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
	--Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident.
No, wait.  That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood
would be right there.
	--Age 5

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you
had that many Twinkies.  Wow, that's five more than the biggest number
you could come up with!
	--Age 6

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe
"Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?"  or "Isn't it
morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"
       --Age 15

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no
feet.  So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them,
	--Age 15

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world
peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the
looting started.
	--Age 15


These are actual quotes, word for word from court records:

Q: What is the date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reebok's.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect you memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget.  Can you give us an example of something that you've

Q: All your responses must be oral, ok?  What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years.  I even went to school for it.

The following are taken from actual trial transcripts as reported in the
Massachusetts Bar Assoc. Lawyers Journal:

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: So the date of conception was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Hymns vs. Praise Choruses

An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended a big city
church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was. "Well," said
the farmer, "It was good. They did something different, however.
They sang praise choruses instead of hymns."

"Praise choruses?" said his wife. "What are those?"

"They're sort of like hymns, only different," said the farmer.

"What's the difference?" asked the wife.

The farmer said, "Well, if I said, 'Martha, the cows are in the
corn,' that would be a hymn. But if I said, 'Martha, Martha, Martha,
Oh Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA, the cows, the big cows, the brown cows,
the black cows, the white cows, the black and white cows, the COWS,
COWS, COWS, are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, are
in the corn,' that would be a praise chorus."

Now, the rebuttal, so to speak:

A young Christian went to his local church usually, but one weekend
Attended a small town church. He came home and his wife asked him
how it was.

"Well," said the young man, "It was good. They did something
different, however. They sang hymns instead of regular songs."

"Hymns," said his wife, "What are those?"

"Oh, they're okay. They're sort of like regular songs, only different,"
said the young man.

"Well, what's the difference?" asked his wife.

The young man said, "Well it's like this: If I were to say to you,
'Martha, the cows are in the corn,' well that would be a regular
song. If, on the other hand, I were to say to you:"

Oh Martha, dear Martha, hear thou my cry.
Inclinest thine ear to the words of my mouth.
Turn thou thy whole wondrous ear by and by,
To the righteous, inimitable, glorious truth.

For the way of the animals who can explain?
There in their heads is no shadow of sense.
Hearkenest they in God's sun or His rain,
Unless from the mild, tempting corn they are fenced.

Yea, those cows in glad bovine, rebellious delight,
Have broke free their shackles, their warm pens eschewed.
Then goaded by minions of darkness and night
They all my mild Chilliwack sweet corn have chewed.

So look to that bright shining day by and by,
Where all foul corruptions of earth are reborn.
Where no vicious animal makes my soul cry
And I no longer see those foul cows in the corn.

"Then, if I were to do only verses one, three and four and do a key
change on the last verse, well that would be a hymn."

A few puns from Mike's Funnies

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

From Mike's Funnies via Deb Hall

Betty, the town gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the town's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several local residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. However, she made a mistake when she recently accused Ted, a local man, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar one afternoon.

Ted, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away without saying a word. Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

More of Mike's Funnies

Build a man a fire, he's warm for one night. Set him on fire, and he's warm for the rest of his life.

~ A termite walks into the bar and says, "Excuse me, is the bar tender here?"
~ Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all 
the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the 
way his mother cooked.
~ Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on 
Thanksgiving," little Johnny wrote, "I'm thankful that I'm not a turkey."
~ Be ye fishers of men: You catch 'em; He'll clean 'em.
~ Can you cry under water? 
~ Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to 
lead normal lives.
~ Dog Theology - "You feed me, you care for me, you give me shelter and 
provide for all my needs - you must be wonderful!"; Cat Theology - "You 
feed me, you care for me, you give me shelter and provide for all my 
needs - I must be wonderful!"
~ Don't let your mind wander ... anything that small should not be out 
~ I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to 
~ I photocopied a mirror. Now I have an extra photocopy machine.
~ If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
~ If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.
~ If you choked a Smurf, what color would he turn?
~ It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm 
really quite busy.
~ I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 
~ Knock knock. Who's there? Goliath. Goliath who? Goliath down, you 
looketh tired.
~ Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.
~ No, my powers can only be used for good. 
~ Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people 
"Everybody But Me."
~ Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the 
~ There are two types of people in this world: 1. Those who need 
~ Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never 
forgotten this.
~ Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once.
~ When's the best time to plant a tree? 15 years ago. When's the 
second-best time? Today.
~ You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your 
~ You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication. 

A Jungle Funny

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking 
her faithful, aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company. One day 
the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long Cuddles discovers 
that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly 
in her direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle 
thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in trouble now!" 

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles 
down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as 
the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that 
was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" 

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look 
of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" 
says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!" 

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby 
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for 
protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him 
heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something 
must be up. 

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and 
strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at 
being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see 
what's going to happen to that conniving canine!" 

The old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and 
thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog 
sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen 
them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle 
says: "Where's that monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another 

[forwarded by Smitty]

(In)Famous Predictions


Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy.
-- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered 
as a means of communication. 
The device is inherently of no value to us."
--Western Union internal memo, 1876

The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.
-- Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project.


This fellow Charles Lindbergh will never make it. He's doomed.
-- Harry Guggenheim, millionaire aviation enthusiast.


Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.
-- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.


Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.
-- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

After learning of the Dirac equation and seeing just three particles 
(protons, electrons, and photons), Max Born in 1930 said, 
"Physics as we know it will be over in six months." 

When asked about the uses of radio waves which he just discovered in 1886, 
Heinrich Hertz declared them, "No use whatsoever."
Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances.
-- Dr. Lee De Forest, inventor of the vacuum tube and a father of television.


Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your
nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Laws of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least
accessible corner.

Any small, extremely expensive part that is
accidentally dropped, will disappear from view...

Law of probability:
The probability of being watched is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get
a busy signal.

Bath Theorem:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the
telephone rings.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a
machine won't work, it will.

Theatre Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest
from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,
your boss will ask you to do something which
will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they
will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing
face down on a floor covering are directly correlated
to the cleanliness (newness) and cost of the carpet/rug.

Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like,
they will stop making it.

"I'm a yankees fan," a first grade teacher explains to her class.
"Who likes the Yankees?" Everyone raises a hand except one little girl.
"Janie," the teacher says, surprised. "Why didn't you raise your hand?"
"I'm not a Yankees fan."
"Well, if you are not a Yankees fan, then what team do you like?"
"The Red Sox," Janie answers.
"Why in the world are you a Red Sox fan?"
"Because my mom and dad are Red Sox fans."
"That's no reason to be a Red Sox fan," the teacher replies, annoyed.
"You don't always have to be just like your parents. What if your mom and dad were morons? What would you be then?"
"A Yankees fan."

-Submitted by Tom Zahn to Reader's Digest.

Job History

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it...mainly because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.
Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory - I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
So, then I retired...and found out I was perfect for the job!


~ A person who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
~ A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with bricks others have thrown at him.
~ All I want is a warm bed, a kind word, and unlimited power.
~ All that glitters has a high refractive index.
~ An unemployed jester is nobody's fool.
~ As soon as I get some grip on reality, I'm going to choke it.
~ Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~ Bad decisions make good stories.
~ Beware of the letter 'G'! It is the end of everything!
~ Bread is square. Why is sandwich meat round?
~ By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong.
~ Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
~ Could you call sweat "workman's condensation"?
~ Every time I hear that dirty word, "exercise," I wash out my mouth with chocolate.
~ Having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
~ How come it takes more brains and effort to fill out the income-tax form than it does to earn the income?
~ I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
~ I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully the first time.
~ I finished 50 push-ups this morning! (I started them in 2005.)
~ I heard that how you dress sends a message to everyone around you. 
     I think my message must be, "Help! Help!"
~ I started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar. From then on, 
     they demanded their allowances in gold.
~ I think my problem is indecisiveness. Or maybe it's procrastination.
~ I'd like to be the ideal mother, but I'm too busy raising my kids.
~ If I had eight hours to chop down a tree, I'd spend six sharpening my axe.
~ If necessity is the mother of invention, I bet MacGyver is the father.
~ If you can still do at 60 what you did at 20, it means you weren't doing much at 20.
~ Life is like photography...we use the negatives to develop.
~ Live so the preacher won't have to tell lies at your funeral.
~ Nothing is worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 
~ Q: What's brown and sticky?    A: A stick.
~ Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult 
still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
~ Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.
~ Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. Other just rinse and spit.
~ Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, 
  but deep down I know that's not true. Some smaller countries are neutral.
~ The late worm misses the early bird.
~ The second mouse gets the cheese.
~ There's nothing more optimistic than a dog under the dinner table.
~ Tomorrow is just a future yesterday.
~ Was learning cursive really necessary?
~ What disease did cured ham actually have?
~ Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly ... on a broomstick. We're flexible like that.
~ Yesterday I lost all self-control, but I found it today. It was under the couch.
~ Your child needs your love the most when they deserve it the least.


~ A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
~ A dog who gave birth to puppies on the roadside was cited for littering.
~ A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
~ A short fortune-teller escaped from prison to become a small medium, at-large.
~ Confidence is the feeling you have before you really understand the problem.
~ December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas. 
Some insist on a shirt; others a pair of socks, and the argument always ends in a tie.
~ Did you hear about the Broadway actor who broke through the floor boards? 
  He was just going through a stage.
~ Disney World: A people-trap operated by a mouse.
~ Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
~ Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
~ Does your train of thought have a caboose?
~ Don't play stupid with me. I always win.
~ Don't spend four dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. 
   They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
~ Don't worry what people think of you.  They seldom do...
~ Ed admits that when he entered his dentist's office for root canal work, he lost his nerve.
~ Even worse than raining cats and dogs is hailing taxicabs.
~ Everyone is on this low-fat craze now. The Mayo Clinic just changed its name to the Balsamic Vinaigrette Clinic.
~ Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
~ For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
~ Give so much time to the improvement of yourself you have no time to criticize others.
~ He ate so much over the holidays that he decided to quit cold turkey.
~ I saw that TV show "50 Things To Do Before You Die." 
    I would have thought the obvious one was "shout for help."
~ I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but he turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
~ I was always taught, "You become what you eat."  So I only eat rich foods. I'm still waiting...
~ If I vow to avoid poison ivy, am I making a rash promise?
~ If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?
~ If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
~ It is in the desert of Sinai that you find the mountain of God.
~ Life isn't about waiting for the storm to's about learning to dance in the rain.
~ Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
~ No matter how far you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
~ Pick your friends, but not to pieces.
~ Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
~ Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
~ Sign in Produce Dept: Notice! Take lettuce from top of stack or heads will roll!
~ The biggest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
~ The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
~ The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
~ The more you have, the less likely it is to be enough.
~ The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
~ To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
~ Two hats were hanging on a rack in the hallway. One said to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on a-head."
~ Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
~ We had cured ham for Christmas dinner. We all wondered what illness it was cured of.
~ What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve.
~ When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
~ When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
~ When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
~ When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
~ Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp 
    which no decent human being would eat?
~ You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

A cop just knocked on my door and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes. That's crazy. My dogs don't even own bikes!

Senior Laughs

Couple in their seventies are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember...
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Don't you think you should write it down, so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it..'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.
Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs..
She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said: 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly..' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... the one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

A man was telling his neighbor: 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor, 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty..'

82 year-old Morris went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor paused and said, 'I didn't say that... I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'