Last Updated:.Some little trinkets I've enjoyed, many from Mike's Funnies.
Cleaning house with kids around is like brushing your teeth with Oreos.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. But he says he can stop any time.
Women should not have children after 35. Really...35 children are enough.
i before e ... except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
What did the Buddha say to the hotdog vendor? "Make me one with everything."
After taking his money and giving Buddha his hot dog, the Buddha asks
"What about my change?"
"Change comes from within"
We occasionally stumble over the truth but most of us pick ourselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
"It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally."
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
Favorite My Life Is Average Quotes
Today, I realized that math problems are the only place where someone can buy 60 watermelons and no one wonders why. MLIA. #2840417 Today, I realized Nazi germany surrendered to the united states on may 7th, 1945. Chuck Norris was born on may 6th, 1945. Coincidence? I think not. MLIA. #2840460
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. ~George Carlin
Time is a great healer, but a lousy beautician.
If reality wants to get in touch, it knows where I am.
Rene' Descartes walks into a bar and orders a drink. When he finishes the glass the bartender asks him if he'd like another. Descartes says, "I think not," and then vanishes.
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. -- Miss Manners
"The difficult thing with quotes on the internet is verifying them" - Abraham Lincoln
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and telling me, "You're next." They stopped when I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Why is it called "after dark" when it's really after light?
"For the man who has everything... Penicillin." -- F. Borquin
Things you would never hear a Southerner say
Duct tape won't fix that. We don't keep firearms in this house. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? You can't feed that to the dog. I thought Graceland was tacky. No kids in the back of the pick-up - it's not safe. Wrasslin's fake. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? We're vegetarians. Do you think my hair is too big? I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy. Who's Richard Petty? Give me the small bag of pork rinds. Deer heads detract from the decor. Spitting is such a nasty habit. Trim the fat off that steak. The tires on that truck are too big. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams. Checkmate. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen. Elvis who?
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative. Acupuncture is a jab well done. Corduroy pillows are making headlines. Dijon vu: The same mustard as before. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery. I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way. I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax. I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded. My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Roses are #ff0000 Violets are #0000ff All my base are belong to you chown -R us ./base > SELECT * FROM users WHERE clue > 0 0 rows returned My other computer is your windows box. vi vi vi -- Editor of the Beast
THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog! Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses. Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
Theorem: a cat has nine tails. Proof: No cat has eight tails. A cat with one tail has more tails than no cat. Therefore, a cat has nine tails.
Why English Spelling is sew Hard
~ We must polish the Polish furniture. ~ He could lead if he would get the lead out. ~ The farm was used to produce produce. ~ The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. ~ The soldier decided to desert in the desert. ~ This was a good time to present the present. ~ A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. ~ When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. ~ I did not object to the object. ~ The insurance was invalid for the invalid. ~ The bandage was wound around the wound. ~ There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. ~ They were too close to the door to close it. ~ The buck does funny things when the does are present. ~ They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line. ~ To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. ~ The wind was too strong to wind the sail. ~ After a number of injections my jaw got number. ~ Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear. ~ I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. ~ How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Haiku Computer Errors
Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that. Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone. Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much. Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down. Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred. Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped.
from T h e T a o O f P r o g r a m m i n g section 4.3.
A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his novices, "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant," said the master. "Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice. "It is," came the reply. "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice. "It is even in a video game," said the master. "And is the Tao in Windows for a personal computer?" The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is over for today," he said.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick. A SQL query goes into a bar, approaches two tables and says, "Can I join you?" "To understand what is recursion you must first understand recursion" Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)...A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
TO: ALL PERSONNEL FROM: ACCOUNTING Much to our dismay, it has recently come to our attention that many of our employees have been turning in timesheets specifying an unusually large amount of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). Within the Accounting Department, unproductive time isn't a problem. However, what is a problem is not knowing exactly what you are doing during this unproductive time. Based on our observations of employee activities, our department has constructed a charge sheet detailing a tentative extended job code list. The list below will enable a more accurate description of employee activities and unproductive events. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you may encounter. As always, we're only here to help. Thank you. The Management Attached: Extended Job Code List Code Explanation ---- ----------- 5316 Meeting 5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting 5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting 5319 Waiting for Break 5320 Waiting for Lunch 5321 Waiting for End of Day 5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker 5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present 5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend 5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning 5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Less than Intelligent 5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You 5481 Buying Snack 5482 Eating Snack 5500 Filling Out Timesheet 5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries 5502 Waiting for Something to Happen 5504 Sleeping 5510 Feeling Bored 5600 Complaining About Lousy Job 5601 Complaining About Low Pay 5602 Complaining About Long Hours 5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323) 5604 Complaining About Boss 5605 Complaining About Personal Problems 5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining 5701 Not Actually Present At Job 5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu 6102 Ordering Out 6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive 6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food 6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods 6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls 6206 Gossip 6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g., vacation, wedding, etc.) 6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself 6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching 6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job 6223 Pretending You Like Coworker 6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks 6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Gal 6601 Running your own Side Business on Company Time (See Code #6603) 6603 Writing a Book on Company Time 6611 Staring Into Space 6612 Staring At Computer Screen 6615 Meditation 7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes) 7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone 7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone 7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone 7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone 7406 Talking With Psychiatrist on Phone 7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone 8000 Watching Stock Market on CNN 8001 Watching Latest Washington Political Crisis on CNN
There are only 10 types of people in the world - those who understand binary and those who don't.
Gravity never sleeps.
Sleep is a totally inadequate substitute for caffeine.
I got a paper cut while opening a BandAid box.
Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage. -Ambrose Bierce, author and editor (1842-1914)
Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."
I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code
Use The Best...
Linux for Servers
Mac for Graphics
Android for Mobility
Windows for Solitaire
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I don't recall ever having expressed an interest in kayaking. Any
activity that requires the participants to wear a helmet and a life
jacket is plainly something in which I should not be involved. In
fact, I pretty much avoid all sports which cannot be played while
holding a hot dog.
W. Bruce Cameron
"Why do mathematicians think Halloween and Christmas are the same?
Because 31 Oct = 25 Dec."
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough,. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through." Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"
Jake learns on first try not to use dynamite when he goes ice fishing from Redneck Haiku 2006 Calendar, December 13
These are actual excuse notes from parents excusing their children from missing school (includes original spelling): ~ My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. ~ Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. ~ Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. ~ Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. ~ John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. ~ Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. ~ Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. ~ Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. ~ Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak. ~ I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear. ~ Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. ~ Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
PUNS 'R' US, part 2 from Mikey's Funnies: ~ Without geometry, life is pointless. ~ Corduroy pillows are making headlines. ~ Sea captains don't like crew cuts. ~ Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? ~ A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired. ~ In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. ~ A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. ~ Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. ~ When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. ~ The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. ~ A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine. ~ A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. ~ The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. ~ When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. ~ Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch stduy at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.
She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
RULES OF THE AIR
~ If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again. ~ A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again. ~ Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds. ~ There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are. ~ You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck. ~ Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment. ~ Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed. ~ The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, the runway behind you and a tenth of a second ago.
(I received this in my email box):
New virus to be aware of
From: firstname.lastname@example.org To: Subject: New virus to be aware of Date: Tue, 27 Jun 2000 17:03:43 -0400 Aggie Virus This virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files on your hard disk, then forward this message to everyone you know. Thank you for your cooperation.
Owed to the Spelling Checker
I have a spelling checker It came with my Pee Sea It plane lee marks four my revue Miss steaks aye can knot sea. Eye ran this poem threw it, Your sure reel glad two no. Its vary polished in it's weigh My checker tolled me sew. A checker is a bless sing, It freeze yew lodes of thyme. It helps me right awl stiles two reed, And aides me when aye rime. Each frays come posed up on my screen Eye trussed too bee a joule The checker pour o'er every word To cheque sum spelling rule. Be fore a veiling checkers Hour spelling mite decline, And if were lacks or have a laps, We wood be maid to wine. Butt now bee cause my spelling Is checked with such grate flare, Their are know faults with in my cite, Of non eye am a wear. Now spelling does knot phase me, It does knot bring a tier. My pay purrs awl due glad den With wrapped words fare as hear. To rite with care is quite a feet Of witch won should be proud. And wee mussed dew the best wee can, Sew flaws are knot aloud. Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays Such soft ware four pea seas. And why I brake in two averse By righting want too pleas.
Adam and Eve
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "Don't be ridiculous," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What are you doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs."
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
~ Give me ambiguity or give me something else. ~ Always remember that you're unique, just like everyone else. ~ Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. ~ Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check? ~ All generalizations are false. ~ Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, TX (poor woman) Things I've learned from my children (Honest and No Kidding): 1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep. 2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late. 8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day. 10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old. 11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence. 12. Super glue is forever. 13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. 14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is. 19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. 20. The fire department in Austin has a 5 minute response time. 21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy and cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. Other thoughts: Another three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet." ---------- A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal." ---------- A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of a 6-year-old again. I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four-star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks. I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them. I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day. I want to return to a time when life was simple - a time when all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you because you didn't know what you didn't know, and you didn't care that you didn't know things. All you cared about was being happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset. I want to believe that the world is fair, that everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again. I want things to be simple. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, worrying about how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones. I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth,justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow. So, here's my checkbook, my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements, oh, and my stock options for my 2 year award. I am officially resigning from adulthood and if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first.
Microsoft Word Thesaurus
"Next time you find yourself before your PC waiting for a Microsoft Word file to print, here's a neat little trick. Highlight some text, click the thesaurus tool, and see what you get. The results can be revealing, if not alarming.... If you look up... Microsoft Word's thesaurus suggests... Larry Ellison larva Paul Allen paunch Scott McNealy scoundrel anticompetitive competitive Klein, Joel kleptomania Reno, Janet no DoJ doldrums Andreessen, Marc android Buffett, Warren buffoon" Fun Office Activity: Harmless Thesaurus? Or Key to Bill Gates' Soul?, Fortune, 3 Aug 1998.
You Know You're a High-tech Worker If...
You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies. Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket. Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um. You learn about your layoff on CNN. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes. Your supervisor hasn't the ability to do your job assignment. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet. Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries' annual budgets combined. Your home phone has none of the features you developed cuz you're never there. It's dark when you drive to and from work. Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else. Communication is something your group is having problems with. You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple. Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home. Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital. You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh wow, thanks!" All real work gets started after 5pm or on weekends. Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube. Plants in your cube are healthier than your plants at home. Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare time," "when you're freed up," and "I have an opportunity for you." 10% of the people you work with - no one (boss included) knows what they do. Vacation is something you rollover to next year or a check you get every January. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers" or "does something with telephones" Change is the norm. Nepotism is encouraged. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting. You read this entire list and understood it.
Deep Young Thoughts
From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey." I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15 Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13 It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen's. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. --Age 8 Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. --Age 10 For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. --Age 6 My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth-that most of us go to hell and burn eternally- but I didn't want to upset him. --Age 10 When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. --Age 5 I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. --Age 11 I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big fresh water lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. --Age 13 I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. --Age 14 Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --Age 15 It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. --Age 5 Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! --Age 6 The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" --Age 15 Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? --Age 15 If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. --Age 15
DISORDER IN THE COURT
These are actual quotes, word for word from court records: Q: What is the date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reebocs. Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect you memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? Q: All your responses must be oral, ok? What school did you go to? A: Oral. Q: How old is your son - the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it. The following are taken from actual trial transcripts as reported in the Massachusetts Bar Assoc. Lawyers Journal: Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere. Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? Q: Was it you or your brother who was killed in the war? Q: Did he kill you? Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true? Q: How many times have you committed suicide? Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? Q: So the date of conception was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? A: I went to Europe, sir. Q: And you took your new wife? Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Hymns vs. Praise Choruses
An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended a big city church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was. "Well," said the farmer, "It was good. They did something different, however. They sang praise choruses instead of hymns." "Praise choruses?" said his wife. "What are those?" "They're sort of like hymns, only different," said the farmer. "What's the difference?" asked the wife. The farmer said, "Well, if I said, 'Martha, the cows are in the corn,' that would be a hymn. But if I said, 'Martha, Martha, Martha, Oh Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA, the cows, the big cows, the brown cows, the black cows, the white cows, the black and white cows, the COWS, COWS, COWS, are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn,' that would be a praise chorus." ================================================================== Now, the rebuttal, so to speak: ================================================================== A young Christian went to his local church usually, but one weekend Attended a small town church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was. "Well," said the young man, "It was good. They did something different, however. They sang hymns instead of regular songs." "Hymns," said his wife, "What are those?" "Oh, they're okay. They're sort of like regular songs, only different," said the young man. "Well, what's the difference?" asked his wife. The young man said, "Well it's like this: If I were to say to you, 'Martha, the cows are in the corn,' well that would be a regular song. If, on the other hand, I were to say to you:" Oh Martha, dear Martha, hear thou my cry. Inclinest thine ear to the words of my mouth. Turn thou thy whole wondrous ear by and by, To the righteous, inimitable, glorious truth. For the way of the animals who can explain? There in their heads is no shadow of sense. Hearkenest they in God's sun or His rain, Unless from the mild, tempting corn they are fenced. Yea, those cows in glad bovine, rebellious delight, Have broke free their shackles, their warm pens eschewed. Then goaded by minions of darkness and night They all my mild Chilliwack sweet corn have chewed. So look to that bright shining day by and by, Where all foul corruptions of earth are reborn. Where no vicious animal makes my soul cry And I no longer see those foul cows in the corn. "Then, if I were to do only verses one, three and four and do a key change on the last verse, well that would be a hymn."
A few puns from Mike's Funnies
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
From Mike's Funnies via Deb Hall
Betty, the town gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the town's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several local residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. However, she made a mistake when she recently accused Ted, a local man, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar one afternoon.
Ted, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away without saying a word. Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.
More of Mike's Funnies
Build a man a fire, he's warm for one night. Set him on fire, and he's warm for the rest of his life. ~ A termite walks into the bar and says, "Excuse me, is the bar tender here?" ~ Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked. ~ Asked to write a composition entitled, "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving," little Johnny wrote, "I'm thankful that I'm not a turkey." ~ Be ye fishers of men: You catch 'em; He'll clean 'em. ~ Can you cry under water? ~ Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines! ~ Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives. ~ Dog Theology - "You feed me, you care for me, you give me shelter and provide for all my needs - you must be wonderful!"; Cat Theology - "You feed me, you care for me, you give me shelter and provide for all my needs - I must be wonderful!" ~ Don't let your mind wander ... anything that small should not be out ~ I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. ~ I photocopied a mirror. Now I have an extra photocopy machine. ~ If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call? ~ If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already. ~ If you choked a Smurf, what color would he turn? ~ It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. ~ I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. ~ Knock knock. Who's there? Goliath. Goliath who? Goliath down, you looketh tired. ~ Never let a computer know you're in a hurry. ~ No, my powers can only be used for good. ~ Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people "Everybody But Me." ~ Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject. ~ There are two types of people in this world: 1. Those who need closure ~ Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. ~ Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once. ~ When's the best time to plant a tree? 15 years ago. When's the second-best time? Today. ~ You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. ~ You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
A Jungle Funny
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful, aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in trouble now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!" The old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!" [forwarded by Smitty]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy. -- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." --Western Union internal memo, 1876 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives. -- Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This fellow Charles Lindbergh will never make it. He's doomed. -- Harry Guggenheim, millionaire aviation enthusiast. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau. -- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value. -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After learning of the Dirac equation and seeing just three particles (protons, electrons, and photons), Max Born in 1930 said, "Physics as we know it will be over in six months." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When asked about the uses of radio waves which he just discovered in 1886, Heinrich Hertz declared them, "No use whatsoever." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances. -- Dr. Lee De Forest, inventor of the vacuum tube and a father of television. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee. Laws of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Any small, extremely expensive part that is accidentally dropped, will disappear from view... forever. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. Bath Theorum: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the cleanliness (newness) and cost of the carpet/rug. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
"I'm a yankees fan," a first grade teacher explains to her class.
"Who likes the Yankees?" Everyone raises a hand except one little girl.
"Janie," the teacher says, surprised. "Why didn't you raise your hand?"
"I'm not a Yankees fan."
"Well, if you are not a Yankees fan, then what team do you like?"
"The Red Sox," Janie answers.
"Why in the world are you a Red Sox fan?"
"Because my mom and dad are Red Sox fans."
"That's no reason to be a Red Sox fan," the teacher replies, annoyed.
"You don't always have to be just like your parents. What if your mom and dad were morons? What would you be then?"
"A Yankees fan."
-Submitted by Tom Zahn to Reader's Digest.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it...mainly because it was a so-so job. Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting. Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience. Next was a job in a shoe factory - I tried but I just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I wasn't up to it. So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind. So, then I retired...and found out I was perfect for the job!
~ A person who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. ~ A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with bricks others have thrown at him. ~ All I want is a warm bed, a kind word, and unlimited power. ~ All that glitters has a high refractive index. ~ An unemployed jester is nobody's fool. ~ As soon as I get some grip on reality, I'm going to choke it. ~ Aspire to inspire before you expire. ~ Bad decisions make good stories. ~ Beware of the letter 'G'! It is the end of everything! ~ Bread is square. Why is sandwich meat round? ~ By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong. ~ Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again. ~ Could you call sweat "workman's condensation"? ~ Every time I hear that dirty word, "exercise," I wash out my mouth with chocolate. ~ Having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. ~ How come it takes more brains and effort to fill out the income-tax form than it does to earn the income? ~ I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired. ~ I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully the first time. ~ I finished 50 push-ups this morning! (I started them in 2005.) ~ I heard that how you dress sends a message to everyone around you. I think my message must be, "Help! Help!" ~ I started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar. From then on, they demanded their allowances in gold. ~ I think my problem is indecisiveness. Or maybe it's procrastination. ~ I'd like to be the ideal mother, but I'm too busy raising my kids. ~ If I had eight hours to chop down a tree, I'd spend six sharpening my axe. ~ If necessity is the mother of invention, I bet MacGyver is the father. ~ If you can still do at 60 what you did at 20, it means you weren't doing much at 20. ~ Life is like photography...we use the negatives to develop. ~ Live so the preacher won't have to tell lies at your funeral. ~ Nothing is worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. ~ Q: What's brown and sticky? A: A stick. ~ Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. ~ Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted. ~ Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. Other just rinse and spit. ~ Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some smaller countries are neutral. ~ The late worm misses the early bird. ~ The second mouse gets the cheese. ~ There's nothing more optimistic than a dog under the dinner table. ~ Tomorrow is just a future yesterday. ~ Was learning cursive really necessary? ~ What disease did cured ham actually have? ~ Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly ... on a broomstick. We're flexible like that. ~ Yesterday I lost all self-control, but I found it today. It was under the couch. ~ Your child needs your love the most when they deserve it the least.
~ A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. ~ A dog who gave birth to puppies on the roadside was cited for littering. ~ A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart. ~ A short fortune-teller escaped from prison to become a small medium, at-large. ~ Confidence is the feeling you have before you really understand the problem. ~ December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas. Some insist on a shirt; others a pair of socks, and the argument always ends in a tie. ~ Did you hear about the Broadway actor who broke through the floor boards? He was just going through a stage. ~ Disney World: A people-trap operated by a mouse. ~ Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? ~ Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites? ~ Does your train of thought have a caboose? ~ Don't play stupid with me. I always win. ~ Don't spend four dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. ~ Don't worry what people think of you. They seldom do... ~ Ed admits that when he entered his dentist's office for root canal work, he lost his nerve. ~ Even worse than raining cats and dogs is hailing taxicabs. ~ Everyone is on this low-fat craze now. The Mayo Clinic just changed its name to the Balsamic Vinaigrette Clinic. ~ Five out of four people have trouble with fractions. ~ For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. ~ Give so much time to the improvement of yourself you have no time to criticize others. ~ He ate so much over the holidays that he decided to quit cold turkey. ~ I saw that TV show "50 Things To Do Before You Die." I would have thought the obvious one was "shout for help." ~ I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but he turned out to be an optical Aleutian. ~ I was always taught, "You become what you eat." So I only eat rich foods. I'm still waiting... ~ If I vow to avoid poison ivy, am I making a rash promise? ~ If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner? ~ If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? ~ It is in the desert of Sinai that you find the mountain of God. ~ Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain. ~ Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under. ~ No matter how far you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. ~ Pick your friends, but not to pieces. ~ Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. ~ Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. ~ Sign in Produce Dept: Notice! Take lettuce from top of stack or heads will roll! ~ The biggest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. ~ The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. ~ The dead batteries were given out free of charge. ~ The more you have, the less likely it is to be enough. ~ The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. ~ To write with a broken pencil is pointless. ~ Two hats were hanging on a rack in the hallway. One said to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on a-head." ~ Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. ~ We had cured ham for Christmas dinner. We all wondered what illness it was cured of. ~ What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve. ~ When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate. ~ When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. ~ When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A. ~ When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there. ~ Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat? ~ You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
A cop just knocked on my door and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes. That's crazy. My dogs don't even own bikes!
Couple in their seventies are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember... Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure...' 'Don't you think you should write it down, so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it..' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?' An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said: 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly..' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... the one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.' A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.' 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 'Because she can still drive!' A man was telling his neighbor: 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor, 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty..' Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'